Friday, December 20, 2013

Say Something

Present day: December 20, 2013

As I mentioned before, there are certain songs that just gut punch me.  It comes out of no where and the emotions overtake me and I just cry.  I heard this song a few weeks ago on an awards show.  I walked out of the room after I heard the words "Say something I'm giving up on you" because I was taken immediately taken back 3 years.  I felt the tears coming.  A few days later, I listened to it on Youtube and cried again.  

In my darkest days 3 years ago while I was 8 months pregnant, waiting for the phone to ring to confirm Rett syndrome, I was going through the the stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  I remember writing about this a little but after the official diagnosis, which I will eventually post.  Three year ago in December, I went through Denial already.  I denied Rett syndrome when the doctor first uttered those words on November 23, 2010.  Cameron could NOT have Rett syndrome.  She didn't fit all the criteria.  She was so social and had great eye contact. 

By this time in December 2010, I was past denial, deep down in my heart, I knew Rett syndrome fit.  In December 2010, I was ANGRY!  I really don't remember several events from December, including my own birthday and Christmas because of this distress, but I do remember always being angry.  I was angry at people who were complete assholes for having healthy beautiful kids.  I was angry when my siblings tried to make me feel better telling me things would be okay. I was angry at anyone who said "I know what you are going through."  I was angry at anyone who said "God only gives you what you can handle."  I was angry at women who worked and were not home with their children enjoying every minute of their typical child's life.  I was angry to be around my friends' typical kids.  I was angry watching my niece and nephew Cammy's age running around and talking.  I was angry to see my siblings enjoying holidays while their children played and I could never do that. Then, I was angry at myself for feeling angry.  I was angry at Cameron.  I wanted her to show me or say something to make me feel better, to let me know everything was going to be okay.  I didn't want to give up on her, but I slowly was reading everything I was reading online about Rett.  I was ANGRY!

Bargaining then joined the angry party. Every birthday since 2010, my mom writes in my card how she would sell her soul to the devil for my birthday wish to come true.  She bargains with the devil for her granddaughter to say something and for her daughter to not feel this pain. I pleaded and begged for everything to be okay. I pleaded and begged Cameron to crawl.  I pleaded and begged her to feed herself.  I pleaded and begged her to pick up an object and hold it for 10 seconds.  I pleaded and begged her to say something.     

So this song has been sneaking up on me, gut punching me and bringing me back to some dark days.

Say Something, I'm Giving Up On You...

No comments:

Post a Comment