Don’t judge me.
I feel guilty enough for what is going on with my daughter,
even though I’m told it’s not my fault.
I have terrible thoughts and questions that race through my head on bad
days like “What’s wrong with you? Why
can’t you do this or that? Why us? I just want to have a normal life.” I can’t even imagine how much more difficult
this is going to get.
Cameron has 5 hours of therapies at the home a week. All I want to do during that time is relax or
housework. But I never can. There is a constant guilt coming across me
either from myself or the therapists.
I’m 7 months pregnant and carrying 45 lbs of baby and Cameron combined
constantly and playing on the ground incessantly. All I want to do is have someone else play and
work with my child for a while. I know
that sounds terrible. At these
therapies, I end up on the ground trying to motivate Cameron or keep her calm.
I can’t even recall the last time we went through a day
without someone asking “Why does Cameron do this? Can she do this? Does she always do that?” Or giving me advice
like “work on this.” What do you think I
do all day? She’s supposed to wear a
patch over her eye for 3 hours, wear her orthodics, SPIO vest, and thumb
splints. People keep telling me to just
enjoy my child. How am I supposed to do
that with all this shit she has to wear and she hates it. Why does she have to work so much harder than
everyone else? Why will she always have
to? And will it result in a normal life
for her?
This afternoon, I went in her room 20 minutes after I put
her down for a nap only to find her sleeping in a puddle of puke. She can’t even sit up to get herself out of
the puke.
I know people do have it worse than us, but I’m so sick of
people telling me their “sob” stories of how they were sleep deprived with
twins, or their child is a picky eater, blah blah blah. Those are stages people went through for
maybe a couple months. My daughter is 21
months old and we’ve been stuck at 6 months old for 15 months and who knows how
much longer. My child cannot sit and
play without falling over after 10 minutes.
And when she does fall on her side, she cannot push back up. My child does not move. She might roll over, but does not move
forward or backwards by crawling or walking.
I constantly have to be vigilant of my child. She has no independence and neither do
I. I still have to feed my child. She doesn’t talk or even indicate what she
wants by pointing. It’s a guessing
game. She’s 21 months old and we still
have a 6 month old. I don’t want to hear
about how rough your life is.
I called the physiatrist’s office 2 days ago and left a
message, but I still have not heard back.
When are we going to find out?
What’s it going to be like when
the baby arrives? How is Cameron going
to react? Are people going to give the
baby more attention than Cameron? Are
people going to give Cameron more attention than the baby? Is this baby going to be okay b/c we will
have to give Cameron so much more attention?
What’s it going to be like when (hopefully when) this baby develops
normally? What is the baby has some
fluke genetic disorder too? God, please
get us through this. I just can’t
imagine now what it’s like to have a typical child. I can’t imagine how much easier life it.
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